Working Through Guilt and Regret

This is a common issue I have been hearing in my DBT Groups this past month.   Some examples include feelings of guilt from going to a problem behavior such as excessive alcohol use, binge eating, or avoidance.   Or, it can come from bigger issues in life such as regret about a past mistake that led to severe consequences or a poor decision about engaging in a romantic relationship that ended up being destructive. 

Guilt and regret can be challenging to work through because the feelings of guilt can often lead to shame.  Shame has the flavor of self-talk such as: “I am a bad person. This is who I am. I can never change. I am not enough.”   In DBT, we teach the natural action urge associated with shame is to hide and avoid.   Some of my clients observe that they can even go to punishing or self-sabotaging behaviors out of shame.    Therefore, it becomes crucial to stay with the emotion of guilt (which has to do with regret about a behavior one engaged in) rather than jumping to judging our character and who we are as a person (shame).   

If this is something you are struggling with right now, I encourage you to practice journaling to help you work through these emotions.    Here are some questions to ask yourself in your journal to help you separate out guilt from shame and begin the process of working through guilt:

1.)   What behavior did I engage in that I have regrets about?

2.)   What made me vulnerable to engage in this behavior?

3.)   How can I use my feelings of guilt to make amends with myself or someone else?

4.)   What are my feelings of guilt teaching me about myself?

5.)   How can I use my feelings of guilt to help me make Wise Mind decisions moving forward?

As you can see from these questions, we can actually use guilt to HELP ourselves.  This is talked about in the Emotion Regulation module of DBT, where we focus on working through negative emotions instead of judging it, pushing it away, or going to a self-destructive behavior to cope.   When we stay focused on our behaviors and what it means to change, it gives us the space to problem solve instead of focusing on judging our character and who we are as a person (shame). 

What issues in your life do you have feelings of guilt and regret about?

What would it mean for you to work through it instead of getting stuck in a shame spiral?