The Different Ways We Avoid

How Avoidance Sabotages Mental Health and Coping Well

A common topic that has been popping up in my DBT Skills Groups this month is the problem of avoidance. Examples include avoiding self care, avoiding following through on school work or responsibilities, or avoiding having hard conversations with people. We could go on and on. Avoidance is a common maladaptive coping mechanism that stems from anxiety, depression, and even the emotion of shame.

Here are the common negative thoughts I hear from clients that lead to the avoidance behaviors:

"I don't have the energy to do my housework."

"I'm not motivated to make a meal plan and do what I need to do to eat well."

"I'm scared if I go the social and meet new people it won't go well. I'll feel too awkward."

"I don't want to feel my emotions."

"I don't want to deal with that person. It's too uncomfortable."

These sort of thinking patterns can then lead to avoidance behaviors. This is where the conversations have been focusing on in DBT group. As a therapist, I am often pointing out to clients the different ways ways avoidance can show up such as:

• drinking alcohol (to not feel anxious)

• being on screens for hours a day (to avoid responsibilities)

• over-focusing on what others are doing wrong (to avoid looking at ourselves)

• obsessive behaviors (to avoid thinking about problems we may feel out of control about)

• ruminating (to avoid facing reality)

• shutting down (to avoid feeling anything)

The main problem with avoidance is that it cheats us of gaining confidence in using healthy coping skills to deal with problems, relationship issues, and the daily stressors of life. Once avoidance continues, problems then build up which leads to even more feelings of guilt and shame. This is why one of the coping skills we teach in the Emotion Regulation module is: Avoid Avoiding. The research shows that people who are able to deal with problems head on are less likely to experience negative emotions -- which is what everyone wants. So avoiding really sabotages one's mental health, relationships, and sense of self-esteem.

The Emotion Regulation module taught in DBT Skills groups really helps clients to learn to work through negative emotions, problems, and stressors so that avoidance does not need to be the main coping skill anymore.

Where do you see yourself struggling with avoidance?

What emotions prompt you to go to avoidance behaviors?

What does this tell you what you might need to grow in?