Feeling Out of Control

How to Feel More Grounded When Others are Not Changing for Us

A common struggle I have been hearing in all of my DBT groups this past month has been about feeling anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed in relationships. Specifically, when people don't do what we want them to do. Which can lead to a feeling of being out of control. Here are some examples:

• Your young child is not listening to you and doing what you are telling him/her to do.

• Your romantic partner is giving you mixed signals and you can't tell if he/she is going to stay in the relationship or not.

• Your adult child is making poor choices and no matter how much you try to give coaching, they just do their own thing.

• You are trying to get your spouse to do better following through on house chores and responsibilities so you don't do everything and over-function but you don't see much improvement.

• Your co-worker needs to do his part on a project so that you can do your part, but he is dragging his feet and now you feel behind.

• You really want to be included in a social group, but one person seems to be intentionally leaving you out.

These are common dilemmas I am hearing others process in DBT group and try to figure out what skills to use when we cannot control other people and it is leading to much anxiety. We like to feel in control, know that our goals will be met, think that people will meet our needs, and align with our goals. But when this doesn't happen, it can be very stressful.

One piece of coaching I am having been giving to my clients is: Since we cannot control other people, all we can do is control our response to them in hopes that it will make a change in them, but we also need to be prepared to cope well if they do not change for us. Meaning, we need to take personal responsibility for ourselves and learn to take care of ourselves even when others do not do what we want them to do. There is a lot of Radical Acceptance here (a specific DBT skill taught in Distress Tolerance),

maybe even feelings of grief and sadness when we realize that we cannot control other people. We can live our lives over-focusing on others on how we want them change (which is ineffective) or we can focus on what it means to take responsibility for our own feelings and reactions. Escalating, getting louder, punishing people, holding onto resentment and being passive aggressive may be tempting behaviors to go to, but it just makes the situation worst and you are at risk of lowering your feelings of self-respect. We want to feel more grounded and at ease instead of stressed due to other people's behaviors.

Who is a person in your life that triggers anxiety for you because you want them to change for you but they are not?

How do you tend to cope with your anxiety when people are not doing what you want them to do?

What does this tell you what you might need to Radically Accept?

DBT group is a great place to process through these issues and feelings with others with similar struggles. The Radical Acceptance skill can take much practice of turning our mind again and again back to what we need to accept. At the same time, it takes time to identify what our role is in changing.