Judging Others
Heightening the Commitment to Drop Judgments Towards Others
A hot topic in DBT group for my clients this past month has centered around the problem of judging others. This is a heart issue. It looks like a behavior to outwardly judge others with our words, over correct others or criticize others, but it is really an internal issue. This is why the topic has come up when I have taught the Commitment Skill and asked my clients, "What is a problem behavior that is interfering with the quality of your life and relationships?"
I have heard all sorts of statements such as:
"I am pushing others away with my critical comments."
"Judging others for how they do things is damaging my relationships."
"All the negative thoughts in my head centered around over-focusing on others and what I believe they are doing wrong is leading to intense rumination."
"I would feel more content with my life if I could do better accepting others for who they are instead of judging them."
Since this is a heart issue, I believe we have to get to the root of the problem to really decrease and drop judgments towards others. Here are the most common reasons why I have seen my clients struggle with judgments:
1.) They were raised with a judgmental parent, so it seems natural to have this same attitude towards others
2.) Due to control issues, judging others is a way to get others to change
3.) Due to rigid thinking about how others "should" be, judgments flow out of these belief patterns
4.) Due to wanting to avoid one's own issues, judging others is a way to distract and focus on someone else instead
5.) Anger that someone is not doing what you want them to; this is related to unmet expectations and often unprocessed grief
When I work with clients in both DBT and RO-DBT groups, I explore these root issues with my clients in order to help them make long-lasting change. But the first skill to help with decreasing and dropping judgments towards others is to truly make a commitment to yourself to change, take personal responsibility for the problem, and make steps to address the behavior and the heart issues.
This is not an easy task. There are other emotions we must process to truly loosen our grip on judging others such as anxiety, grief, anger, and even shame. It is common that judging others is also a way to cope with our own feelings of shame. But the work involved is worth it. The impact that judging and criticizing others is so damaging to relationships. It's truly rewarding for me when I see my clients in group having breakthroughs and changing their heart posture towards others they care about, specifically their spouses, partners, and children. The accountability that the group offers is invaluable, as there is constant mindfulness and practice of using the DBT skills that is required to make these changes.
How do you struggle with judging others?
What is the heart issue behind this?
How have past attempts gone to work on this behavior?
