What Happens When We Set Boundaries

Coping Skills to Use Before, During, and After Setting Boundaries

A hot topic that has been consistent in all of my DBT groups recently has centered around the topic of setting boundaries in relationships. One of the values of DBT groups in the Interpersonal Effectiveness module is that clients learn how to challenge worry thoughts and myths that interfere with them speaking up about their needs, wants, and preferences. Some examples of worry thoughts include:

• "What if the other person gets upset with me?"

• "What if I don't say it right?"

• "I am used to people being pleased with me."

As my clients get stronger in DBT groups learning to challenge these myths with more realistic ways of thinking, they start training their brain into new thinking patterns of thought such as:

• "I am not responsible for other people's feelings."

• "I am responsible to let other people know how I feel. They cannot read my mind."

• "Giving, giving, giving isn't the be all of life. My needs are important too."

After this, I see clients getting more confident in their commitment to setting boundaries, using Distress Tolerance skills to tolerate the uncomfortable emotions, and receiving coaching and role-modeling from me. The next step is where they actually use these skills in real world scenarios and practice. This is where the real confidence develops. It may take using the DBT skill of using Opposite Action (going against urges of passivity and avoidance when it is ineffective and doing the Opposite Action instead), the Commitment skill (heightening commitment to self by not going to back to self-destructive behaviors such as avoidance, passivity, and fawning behaviors in relationships), and the Riding the Wave of Emotions (especially when anxiety is present).

After I see my clients setting boundaries, two things can happen: More confidence in needs getting met and thankfulness the other person responded well (which can lead to more closeness and understanding in relationships), or discomfort from the other person not responding well (by ignoring, deflecting, escalating, or even punishing). So the real work doesn't just stop after we learn to set boundaries. More work occurs to maintain and even stay consistent when the other person does not respond well. It is common that if you have been in a relationship for some time where you did not set boundaries, then the other person is not used to this and can respond in a variety of ways. This will tell us a lot more information about the dynamic of the relationship.

DBT Skills Group is where you can process, explore, and learn the specific tools to not only learn to set boundaries, but handle tricky scenarios where the other person may push back. We all need to learn to deal with these difficult or tense situations, or it may be tempting to resort back to old patterns.

Where are you in your skill level of prepping to set boundaries, actually implementing boundaries, and coping well after setting boundaries no matter how the other person responds?

Where do you need to most grow?