Dialectical Thinking in Relationships

The hot topic that I'm hearing so many of my clients in DBT group ask me for coaching in is how to cope with disappointment in romantic relationships, especially in their own marriages. I'm hearing all sorts of hurts and disappointments such as: "My spouse and I don't connect emotionally", "I don't think my spouse even cares about my needs", to "Even though I've already voiced what I would like to see happen in our relationship, I don't see any changes."

First of all, I want to validate we all have emotional needs, such as attention, understanding, affection, encouragement, respect, comfort, and appreciation. However, the problem is about how to cope if these needs don't get met.

This is why I appreciate the Dialectical Thinking that is emphasized in DBT. Dialectical thinking means having two opposing views but having a synthesis of the whole. This is why half of the coping skills in DBT are change oriented, and half are acceptance oriented. Change and acceptance sound like polar opposites, but that's the value of therapy--using change and acceptance strategies at the same time. Because if we veer too much to one side, it is going to limit us and make us stuck. But Dialectical Thinking applies to relationships, also. In this example, if you are experiencing disappointment in a romantic relationship, you have to figure out how to address getting your needs met, but also coping well if your needs don't get met. You are doing both at the same time. Without the Dialectical Thinking, here's the problems that can occur that I have seen in my own clients:

• Lashing out in anger and getting more angry and escalating

• Acting out and trying to get attention from someone else

• Going into a hopeless stance and becoming passive

• Holding on to bitterness and resentment

• Withholding affection due to being passive aggressive

• Numbing out with substances or other addictions

The skills taught in DBT group can help you to not only be assertive with your own needs in a healthy way (the change oriented coping skills), but learn to cope well when your partner is not able to meet your needs in the way that you want (the change oriented coping skills). We have to learn to do both at the same time. This is the only way to maintain your self-respect, take personal responsibility for yourself, and prevent yourself from going to self-destructive behaviors (i.e. escalating, acting out, going to addictions to cope due to feelings of resentment). When I hear my clients able to apply this Dialectical Thinking, I see a change in their behaviors and a change in an attitude towards their spouse. There is less turmoil.

How do you tend to cope when your emotional needs don't get met in relationships? What would it mean for you to apply the Dialectical Thinking?